Sketches of Esteem vs Self-esteem

Most people have the former, how many truly have the latter?

Today is more journal than essay. A quick jot down of thoughts, hopefully in a semi-coherent order, with only light editing and revision. An experiment in publishing without the burden of perfectionism. A pure sketch.

I heard someone say that most people don't have self-esteem, they just have esteem. The value they see in themselves is really just the reflection of what others give to them. This smells true.

People talk about competence as a core root of self-esteem. The ability to provide value to others. If you squint your eyes, it sorta looks like the same as self-esteem. But they’re really talking about value. You fix replace the tire on someone's bike, for example, and you feel good about yourself. Your self-esteem goes up because you are a good bike mechanic---or so you think.

That last sentence illustrates a fatal flaw. Your self-esteem comes from an external source. Whoops. That sounds like plain old esteem to me. Say in this hypothetical, you couldn't fix the bike tire. You lacked the tools for the job. Or maybe you're just an okay bike mechanic faced with a problem that requires an exceptional bike mechanic. Your friend/customer/lover stares at you with mild disappointment before rolling their bike over the hill and into the sunset. Your self-esteem would, presumably, go down.

Self-esteem shouldn't fluctuate based on daily trivialities such as repairing a bike tire. Of course, you'd try to do the best job possible. But not all jobs can be done by all mechanics. You wouldn't be brutally hard on yourself for failing. More importantly, you'd recognize that your ability as a mechanic is not representative of your worth as a person. You might be disappointed, but your self-esteem would stay relatively unchanged.

Tying self-esteem to competence is a dangerous path. If you tie your worth to your ability to fix bikes, you'll suffer as your joints ache and your fingers grow unsteady with time. Or when new tools make your role obsolete. All skills degrade with time.

Self-esteem can't, by definition, come from external sources. Does that mean it should come entirely from within? Should one be able to sit inside all day, doing nothing other than playing video games and eating ramen noodles and feel good about themselves? No, probably not.

People who spend all day sleeping, playing games, listening to podcasts, and not having much engagement with the outside world have lulled themselves into a comfortable depression. They severe the connection between their body and their emotions, removing any possibility for a thought or sensation to creep up on them. They maybe get a sickly, sweaty pleasure from what they're doing, but it doesn't exactly feel good.

I've had many conversations with people in these situations. I've been in them myself. It basically boils down to this. They've found something comfortable. Yeah, it's not what they want to be doing, but it gets them through the day. They don't particularly feel good about it, and they don't particularly feel good about themselves because they know they aren't doing the things they truly want to be doing, but it is what it is. So it goes.

I think self-esteem comes from daily engagement with things that you find valuable. When you wake up in the morning excited for the day ahead of you. It doesn't particularly matter if you're good or great at these things. It's the act that matters.

When you're engaged in something you find deeply interesting, your whole body becomes alive. The world feels more full of possibility. You feel less self-conscious and more comfortable in your skin. It's an improvement in every way. It's like the difference between eating a bunch of sugar versus a proper, high-protein meal.

That's the basic framework, but it isn't exactly the whole picture. Because you can do things you find meaningful in a timid, self-conscious way that will be hard to derive enjoyment from. Say you're a shy dude in his 20s who wants to find a group of friends to play music with. It's going to be hard to do that if every time you strum a chord you think about what an idiot you are. If you shame your uncoordinated fingers and inability to follow a beat. If you believe that nobody will like you and you look like a fool. That's not going to be a fun experience. Even if you are accepted, you'll tie your self-esteem to your ability to play guitar well enough to keep being invited. Again, focused too much on the external source.

To have a healthy self-esteem, you also have to understand who you are. Your short-comings and your talents. The quirks of your personality that some find annoying and others endearing. Parts of you that are shameful and ugly and that you want to stuff in a closet and keep out of sight. You have to know those parts of yourself and accept them. Love them. Because they're all part of what makes you, you.

You have to develop a relationship of trust with yourself. Let your mind and body inform your next actions. Whatever you do, whatever you say, is an authentic expression of who you are in that moment. Not everyone will like it, and that's fine. The goal isn't mass popularity, which is decided more by luck than anything else. It's about cultivating a life in which the people around you and the things you do are the source of energy and renewal.

This is no easy task. The ability to understand yourself, the ability to trust yourself, and the ability to follow your intuitions to understand roughly how you want to spend time on this planet. But I do think that's ultimately what's required. The people who have self-esteem have trust in themselves. They understand what's going on inside them and know how to translate emotion into action.

Their sense of self doesn't hinge on fixing one bike or being invited to play guitar with one set of friends. There's an intrinsic belief that things will work out. That, as long as they pay attention to how they feel in each situation and follow what feels right, they will end up where they need to be.